YOU-DONT-KNOW.NET

So, better late then never. Kayne was amazing.

Although, as with most stuff in my life it rarely ever goes smoothly, there are many bumps I have to deal with before I get the prize. This time around it came in the form of from a friend, and his opinion of me being there. I guess my better judgment leads me to believe that I had no place being there. Not because of stupid stereotypes, but because I know the content isn’t exactly what I should be willingly exposing myself to, plain and simple. Truthfully though, knowing I’m not infallible, I’m considering my choice of going - a rookie mistake. Albeit a choice that I wasn’t oblivious to, so maybe not so much as a mistake but error of judgment. See, it didn’t have to be a big issue but I have to admit, in hearing what I was told by this friend, I think it struck that inner cord knowing that I wasn’t exactly doing what I should be. I felt horrible. It angered me. It made me start to question this person’s OWN actions. I was resentful, for most of the evening. But the blow was softened when I read:

Never justify your behavior with the wrong of others…

You should never make a point that starts off with “but you.” That’s a sure sign of a dysfunctional, tit for tat exchange.

When does it make sense that because someone else made a bad decision, now you should?

You must learn to fight the impulse of believing; it’s not fair that you can do it and I can’t!

Wise words indeed. Thank you, Kayne. Thank you for that lovely look book of Kayne “proverbs.” I really believe it helped to make my night, at the least, a little easier to swallow.

Aside, from that drama, all in all the show was pretty dang good. I think I got more for what I paid for. Rihanna was AWESOME, as was Lupe Fiasco. N.E.R.D was a little too iffy for me, not that they aren’t good performers, cause hey, it’s Pharell, but the language was just a little too much for me. I’ve heard crazy stuff in my life but that - yeah that totally made me squirm. Kayne, was unbelievable. He himself is worth more then the $50+ dollars I spent. I’ve never seen someone, personally, who can both entertain and hold his own and live up to it, in such a way. He was all by himself on that stage. He COMMANDED that stage. He made us ALL pay attention and focus. It was brilliant. I stood up his ENTIRE set. I don’t know exactly how long it was, but I couldn’t possibly sit down. He is a lot of talk, and really he is self-absorbed in MY OPINION but he backed it all up, word for word. If you can get a chance to see him, do so. Fair word of warning. His shows are NOT for the faint of heart, there will be drama, there was that night, leading to someone getting kicked out and an almost full on brawl but I managed to escape alive and with all of my faculties lol. For the commenter who asked, no I didn’t get pictures as they took my camera away, somehow others managed to smuggle theirs in. I was caught red handed. I guess that’s OK though. I have my little book he gave us, and the memories. I can be content with that. On a side note. I met a really awesome guy who works for Rihanna, he’s a part of her team in one way or another. I can’t begin to explain what he did, cause it was something I wasn’t too caught up in knowing. Nonetheless, I was able to have a nice talk with him about his life, what he’s done in the past (who he’s worked for) what Rihanna is like, is the Chris Brown stuff true, what’s in store for her, etc.. etc.. he was really sweet. I had meant to get a photo with him and that lovely “all access pass” he was sporting but didn’t get around to it. He was a charming Scottish man, who thanked me and some other woman for our speaking to him, in which we said the same, and as I left he asked my name and said “thank you, you are lovely, it was a pleasure speaking to you.” which was followed by a nice kiss on the cheek lol! it was totally random, I just happened to stumble into the conversation. The other woman and I kept calm though, didn’t scream in his face about where Kayne was or some of the others and just talked to him like a regular person. I guess he appreciated that, and truthfully so did I!

So, on to other things. Having said all I did on the blog helped a lot. I felt like I let a load off, and although things didn’t simply fade away as I had wished. I at the least, felt happy to have said it all. In doing so, I’ve come to a decision to stop learning French and focus on my life in other ways. I’m not sure if that is the right move. It feels like it is. I’m actually HAPPY and RELEAVED. So, I’m assuming it is the right path and hopefully, I will not live to regret it. It actually means more though, it means I wont have as much “contact” with some of my more closer friends, it’ll be hard to see them, talk to them and even hang out with them. They will be leaving to pursue French in a better and bigger way, I’m happy for them though. I know they will do great! It just makes me sad but, it’s something I need to do for me. I have yet to break the news. I don’t know how it is going to go down, but time will tell.

So, I’m going to have my hair done. I’m getting extensions, I’m totally excited. I haven’t had long hair in a VERY long time. So it should be interesting to see the outcome. To finally have long luscious hair lol lets hope it changes my confidence for the better.

….. major you know what!! That was an AMAZING show. Aside from all the drama, annoying friends (thank goodness I went by myself) and drunk people it was the coolest thing Ive seen in a while. I had an awesome experience, that I will have to share, but it’s late almost 3am and I got to get up soon.

If you haven’t seen him and you get a chance to, please do. It really is an “experience.” I will blog all about it later today/tomorrow. It was cool! To bad I couldn’t take pictures.. boo.

I don’t know if the lack of sleep is finally taking it’s toll; I know it always plays quite the role in how I end up feeling about things on average, so as per norm, I seem to have hit a pretty bad low again. Difference this time around is the overwhelming urge to just give up everything I’ve worked so hard to accomplish. I would venture to say, maybe with a bit of a jaded view, that I am borderline depressed or really lacking anything of substance in my life right now… that probably isn’t the way to put it. I have substance; something worth loving about life. Yet, I have this constant struggle with what I’m not doing rather then what I am. I wouldn’t go as far as to state that is the problem, but I do know that happens to be one of the triggers for this particular expression of thought.

I feel bad for many reasons. I find myself wondering more and more if I’m wasting valuable time absorbing myself in things of little importance or that will benefit my life. Sadly, those invaluable things seem to bring me some sort of contentment, hence the difficulties in letting go. I know, I know, I’m investing so much, yet I feel no danger of disappointment. My rose coloured glasses are hindering the reality of this one way relationship I have going on. Somehow, I’ve confused myself into thinking I’m content; getting back what I give. But is it? It’s patching up the hole, and it feels right, it does.

I was told today that I was missed by someone, and they wanted to spend time with me. I swear, that simple act of expression meant so much to me, I’ve only hung out with her about 3 times but to know she enjoyed my company, wow. It was great! I was also told today, by another friend, that a mutual friend of ours values being able to talk to me so much and that I’m one of the few (and I mean few) people he can talk to. I was floored, to say the least. Those two comments, are something of a desire, for I have this innate need to be constantly needed or “wanted” in some capacity, whether as someone who can be beneficial for listening or as just someone who is helpful. I need to be needed and since I’m lacking abilities in other facets of life, I’m guessing this must be finally the talent blessed with at birth that I always feel eludes me. In being that way though, I open up a wound; a certain vulnerability, that although may be endearing to others, often ends up with me not feeling as satisfied as I thought I would be. Which is why, although lovely comments they were, they’ve had momentary effect. I’m right back where I started hours before. Maybe I’m just hard to please? a little selfish?

I value my spirituality very much so. I believe it has molded me and made me who I am. I’ve had every opportunity to make excuses for my actions or choices in life, but thanks to a faith instilled in me through my desire to have a relationship with who and what I believe to be GOD, I’ve been able to stay relatively “normal” (whatever that means). I’ve changed my way of seeing life and for once felt like I had direction and a means to work hard for something that will pay off. Something that has far more meaning then anything I can do secularly. I grew up poor, with a struggling mother, she did her best to make everything seem peachy in the midst of a not so forgiving thing called life. I knew reality and what growing up fast meant at age 6, and although Barbie’s and dreams of being a professional ice skater twirled around my brain as things that I wanted or wanted to do, I don’t know that it ever covered over the knowledge of my dad and his drinking, or his on the dl drug use (I’m not sure my mom knows about that one time, I guess it should stay that way). So I don’t want what the world can bring. Money is just paper with dead people on it, and although it is a means to provide, accumulating it in an abundance - is not for me. I needed something more; I found it - at my breaking point when I had belief in nothing, NOTHING. I invest so much time and effort by the weeks and the months to conduct myself in ways that I know I should, not to mention, doing my best to be beneficial to human kind by being a generally good citizen but also by doing my best to provide comfort though a means that has always helped me through each trial.

Everyone always told me, I would reach a point where the internal struggle of what I want to do and what I should be doing would hit, I think I’ve finally reached that unfortunate goal. I want to let it all go. Not my spirituality, because I love having something worthy of believing in, but all the time, effort and continual effort I would need to give. I don’t feel I’ve made a difference in people’s lives. I don’t feel it’s for me to learn a new language to help. I don’t think I’m worthy of missionary work. I don’t think I can help to comfort someone, so I just don’t want to. I’m disconnected right now and I feel completely useless, not good enough to be a tool used by God for spreading his word as it deserves to be. I don’t remember the last time I prayed. I don’t remember the last time I asked for help, genuinely. I don’t remember the last time I really felt drawn to do anything but complain about what I can’t do. I know what it will take for me to get it back, but I also feel so drained. It’s as if though, at this point, I don’t even have a want to get it back. I want my relationship, I do. I’m just weak, very weak. I’ve been privileged, blessed and fortunate in so many, many ways; I’m sad. I know he hasn’t left me, his hand is extended, waiting for me to grab on but rather then hold on tight, I almost feel I’m letting finger by finger slip away. I’ve left him and that is just sad. The one means of true stability and genuine love and affection that I so crave. I’ve left it. It’s just sad.

Often times, just the verbal (so to speak) release of it all allows for the good to come back. So, I’m hoping for said results, but as I continue to sit here at 3:20 am, I just know that I’m in the same position as I was when I started typing a little while ago. Difference this time around is I’ve said it, but what am I going to do about it?

I think I’ll go take some Tylenol PM, maybe I’ll be able to come to grips with all that awaits me, eventually. Or maybe I’ll just sleep, sleep, sleep and hope that it’s all just been a dream.

(I’ll return comments soon, I promise)

[EDIT] New layout! I love it. Thanks to whoever made it lol. I also added the music player up there *points up* Two songs are a must listen (yes its all of my two David’s lol) #1 “And So It Goes - David Archuleta” and #2 “For the First Time Ever I Saw Your Face- David Cook” honourable mention “Hello” and “Billie Jean” by DC and “Stand By Me” and “Love Me Tender” DA… enjoy, I know I am lol! [/EDIT]

I haven’t been the best blogger on the block. Yeah, sorry. Truthfully, I just haven’t felt the blogging desire. Not that I haven’t been up to anything. I just find it hard to write anything when there is no real desire. I need a reason. Nonetheless, lame excuses aside. I hope all of you have been well and good. As for me, well, it’s been cool.

I just came back from Vegas. It was a lot of fun. I got to see many sites and enjoyed lots of sounds… and alcohol.. lol! I was there a few days but thursday night brought about a joyful drinking session, I must admit. It ended far to fast and unfortunately, I am now home and back to the same ole routine. I have to say though, I was actually quite happy to come back home. I just about died with all the cigarette smoke and overall excessiveness of the place as a whole. I’ve never seen so many images of women and their boobs hanging out at me; or even staring up at me lol. All those lovely little “business cards” were strewn about the city streets just waiting to be “picked up” (in more ways then one). I’m usually not fazed by much, and I do recall seeing a few on my last visit, but admittedly, this was simply disgusting. I think a comment someone made, a young kid in fact, summed it up best. He said: “Mom look (points to a half dressed woman on an airport poster) you know you arrived in Vegas when you see THAT.” I couldn’t agree more. Kids.. they say the HONEST things.

So, I’ve been caught up in the end of American Idol hype. It’s actually amazing to me how tangled up in the evil web of pictures, message boards, videos and mp3s that I’ve been. I can’t believe my insatiable need to know everything!! Weeeell, some things admittedly I wish I didn’t lol! I must have really needed something to be excited about. Apparently, I found it. I came home today to find my ticket to the concert sitting in my mail box. Oh yes, I am going. Oh yes, I am throughly EXCITED! I admit it, at the ripe ole age of 25, I am COMPLETELY excited to go see AMERICAN IDOL (conveniently, presented by POPTARTS lol) I can’t even deny it. I’ve been completed enchanted by all the hyper surrounding Mr. David Cook as well as my boy Little David Archuleta (he probably hates being called little but I just want to squeeze him). I’m curious to see and hear them both in person. I have to be honest though, I’m a little scared. I’m a 25 year old adult (but so is Mr Cook.. grrarrrw) who is finding herself at a POPTARTS concert and I’m also a 25 year old adult who is LIABLE to shed tears if David Archuleta sings “Imagine.” Deep within I’m hoping he does, for the simple fact that it’s a BEAUTIFUL version of the song. Yet, deep within I’m hoping he doesn’t because I KNOW I’m going to end up looking a mess because I couldn’t contain the emotion of his singing that song. Trust me. It’s happened already lol. I found myself going through a playlist of his songs. “Another day In Paradise” followed by “Imagine” and one of my all time favourite songs EVER “Stand By Me” left me bawling like a kid who just dropped his ice cream. I do NOT know what was wrong with me but sure enough, I was down for the count and I hate to admit it but I’m a willing loser. sigh…

Being in Vegas helped me to further dive head first in to the reality that I’m totally loveless. If you ever want to be depressed about not having love or a love interest, then that’s the place to be. I hate the fact that I so easily find myself envying all the LURVE in the air. Yet, there I was, watching couple after couple pass by. Most younger then me (digging the knife even deeper.) I’ve always been one, that although deep inside I yearn for love, I’m able to contain the outward disappointment at my lack of loveablity - but now, it’s not working so well. I guess old age for me means less stiff upper lip and more pouty lol (bit of a conundrum, eh?) So, I’ve decided in my mind to figure out exactly makes me undesirable. I tend to try and receive all the kind compliments on my personality and “friendship ability” to heart after all those are the qualities that matter, right? RIGHT!?! Hmm…. it’s not working. Yeah, OK. It’s totally not working. Somehow “You are a great listener” isn’t quite as erm.. ego-soothing as “Man your hot!” SUPERFICIAL ALERT. I know, I know, I know; let me be smart about this, and I will… eventually, but for right now I’m on a mission. I just want to sell out to the idea of “barbie” transforming myself into all those superficial ideals that I hear spewing out the mouth of my #1 dude. My goal is to see how much external differences change the mind frame, and once I succeed, you better know the &^@% is gonna fly.

This shall be interesting..

OK, I got to complain. I have the worst headache in the world and it has to be about 500 degrees right about now. It’s almost 11:30 pm and there is no end in sight for this nasty heat and tomorrow is only going to get worse. I don’t know whether to cry or be angry. My head is pounding and I can’t relax. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the summer? If not let me make it known now. I HATE THE SUMMER.

Le Sigh!

Are we that obvious?

I was talking to a girlfriend the other day and the subject of this new guy came up. I thought nothing of it until I realized that about an hour of our conversation was basically about him. I couldn’t help but chuckle and then tease her mercilessly about it all. So it left me wondering are we, as girls, often that obvious about guys we are interested in?

I had a conversation with a guy friend the other day. I asked him about someone new. I wanted to know his story. Not because I was interested, I’m not! (I’m actually interested in the guy friend I was talking to) but because whenever someone new comes around inevitably someone IS interested, and I just happened to know who was. So, as any good friend would, I wanted info for her. 5 seconds into me asking, this guy friend proceeds to say something along the lines of, “are you stalking your prey?” I chuckled and followed that up with a very convincing (and honest) “NO, It’s not for me that I want the info” which lead to me getting into a little deeper problem with the “who is it for” and what have you’s.

Nonetheless, I realize, often-times we can be very obvious when it comes to the objects of our affection. Now would you say it’s because somewhere deep down we want them to find out? or is it a girl territory issue? or is it just my circle of friends that happen to be more “open” so to speak, about it all? I don’t know.

I tend to closely guard any emotions I have for someone, to me its something that I never seem to be ready to reveal (to that person, anyway). Yet, somehow, I always get found out. I guess in one way or another I do like for those close to me to have some idea of what is actually going on in the grand scheme of things. I have yet to figure out though if it’s in hopes that maybe they can find out how he feels about me or what my logic is.

The downside of it all though is that it almost makes me feel immature. I think, any real grown adult wouldn’t handle things like this. They would be upfront and honest about the whole thing and take the answer, whether good or bad, and move on. I have yet to be an adult..

I don’t know. I’m guessing it really isn’t that big of a deal. But you know, in my little world, which is filled with many questions and many ups and down. I can’t help but wonder.. am I really that obvious?

I wonder if he knows… YIKES!

….friend!! I’m so excited. I got an ipod, and I’m LOVING it. I haven’t taken it out of my ears since I got it on Thursday! Well, OK not the complete truth but I have had it everywhere. It’s totally awesome, I’ve already loaded up on music and videos. I’m happy! Ohh you guys have to check out this awesome MP3 site, totally legal and dirt cheap. They have albums (FULL ALBUMS) for $0.99. Can you believe that? 99 cents? MAN. I totally made out. I got like 4 albums last night. So check it out MP3 Fiesta.com it’s easy to use and they have TONS of artists. Go visit, like NOW, haha.

Ive been applying like crazy to jobs, but nothing seems to be coming up. I swear it’s never taken me this long to get something else. It just goes to show how bad everything is right now. The down-turn continues. I mean, you know, I’m not so worried. I guess, I just want to get something soon. To be honest, I kinda don’t know what to do. I just feel stagnant. I feel like I need to busy myself. Although, truthfully, I probably don’t but I should get something established. I do want to do more traveling and well money isn’t going to fall out of the air lol! So, I got to get going on something.

Loved all the DAVID’s comments. I’m surprised more of you aren’t watching. I laughed a bit because this is the first year Ive EVER really watched. Honestly, it’s mostly due to the DAVID’s because they are just so talented, awesome and downright adorable lol. I guess I just feel the need to follow this show till the end.

I need a project to work on. I’m feeling totally useless right now. I guess I should busy myself, here on the domain, maybe get some other stuff together to make this place worth visiting. I have to start working on that.

This was a very disjointed blog lol, Sorry it’s after 1am and I’m tired haha plus I really have nothing is substance to share. How sad. I have begun to lead a very unimportant life! I wish I had some awesome, exciting life to share. Instead you got stories of me and job hunts and overjoyed emotions about an ipod.. man I’ve really hit a new low…