Things have pretty much gone from bad to worse. I can’t even bear to be in the same room with *him* I just get so angry. I think I should clarify this whole situation. There is someone I really and deeply care/cared about, he’s my friend and Ive known him for the last year. Ive tried so hard to be a friend above and beyond everything else. I think Ive done an alright job. It’s hard with him cause he doesnt let very many people in — neither do I though. So it’s made our relationship a little difficult. We have our good times and our bad. He’s a little younger and less mature then I expected which has cause it’s own set of problems. The situation was doomed in the first place because I knew we didn’t have much of a connection but I allowed myself to continue down this bad road. I like him though, deeply. He has so much that I want in someone. In the last few months it’s just got progresively worse, I found out who he likes. I met her the next day after I found out. I had to “advise” him on her and what to do about her. I had to accept my new place in his life and had to watch as he basically drooled all over her right in front of my own face. It HURT badly. I did it though, I hung around through it all. I was a good friend. I never let it show that I was breaking but I have to admint Im not completely innocent. I’ve been defensive and have acted stank once or twice so Im not completly off the hook, but I think for the way I felt and as hurt as I was, I did a pretty good job. Anyway, during this whole process I developed a deep (brotherly) love for his best friend. I love him so much and would do ANYTHING for him. He’s proven his friendship to me and always shows lots of love for me, he’s been beyond loyal and supportive. He was there for me during a very, VERY horrible time in my life. He gave so much to me during that time. It started a month ago because of some issues and miscommunication the issues with the one I like has seeped itself into my relationship with this friend who is like my brother and I think that is the biggest source of my frustration and overwhelming sadness right now. Ive asked this friend to talk but it just never happens and it’s hurting me dearly. Ive felt like Ive been put on the back-burner and that Im not important anymore. Ive pleaded to talk to them and I dont even get a call back. Ive been told things only to find out they did exactly what they said they wouldnt. Ive asked for time to spend with them, have been told it isn’t possible only to find out it actually was. I feel like Im being avoided. I just feel totally broken because of it all. He (the one like a brother) tried to talk to me today and all I could do was try not to cry. I know I annoyed him because of the look on his face but I couldnt talk to him, I just couldn’t. I feel so hurt. I dont know if because my emotions are hightened if Ive just been taking everything wrong this whole time or if its truly a problem. I have no clue anymore to be honest. Tonight, I broke down and told him in a message that I miss him, because I do. He’s the closest thing to a brother (then my own who I dont know) that I have and I just have a hole in my heart because right now he’s not filling it.

Now on to the new chapter of the story. I met someone a couple weeks ago. Ive seen him before but never thought anything of it. We became close in the last month. We are totally bonded for many reasons now; I have spent lots of time with him. I’ve come to find out he is friends with the two I just mentioned, which I never knew that they had a friendship, let alone knew each other. Nonetheless, my time has not been spent with them but moreso with him. It’s been fun. He is totally honest; brutally. He’s got great qualities and as I mentioned before has the same goals. I don’t like him quite yet, but I know I could. Which is what the previous post was all about. I spent some more time with him over the last week and it’s just got harder because we share something pretty deep. Since a lot of my time has been with him, I have not seen, heard or even talked to the others… not at my own fault though. I’ve made an effort on many occassions, even begging them to call me and they never did. I don’t know if this “new” friendship is a problem or what but where I stand now, Im not talking to the two of them and Im trying balance out my relationship with the new one. It’s rough. I can truthfully say I am at a loss and don’t know how to work my way out of this one. On a side note I thought he (new one) was going to leave soon, that would have forced things to be easier but I have now found out that he might actually become a more permanent part of my life. Thow another log into the fire. *sigh*

Im drained.

I feel like I need to get out. I find joy in nothing right now. I just want to quit my class because it relates to all of them and I just relate my anger/frustration to it (plus I have to see them which right now I dont want to). I am always on edge and just either want to cry or curse. I feel like I need to travel somewhere for a period of time and just get out. There is a HUGE funk around lately and it’s just causing one issue after another.

So that’s the deal. I hope it all makes sense now. I just want to thank you all for your comments. I really do appreciate them. I can’t tell you enough how amazing it is to have a different perspective. It nice to have the thoughts of my friends but it’s even more better to have the thoughts of those who have no partiality. Thank you, so much.