It starts out all so very normal; actually it feels different, it’s almost perfect! as if it were a court appointed comfortable day in your pj’s, curled under a nice toasty blanket, good book and all. It feels as though everything is actually how it should be. All is well with the world. You actually feel hope. You actually, strangely enough, feel happiness! is that possible? It is, finally fully convinced you go about your day, with a little swagger, a little hop in your step. As the time goes by, what was begins to fade into what is. What is, has now become a tiny bit more fussed, more confused. You go on. You focus. You try to forget. You go about your business doing all you can to sink your fingers as deep as possible into what now seems as a minuscule feeling of joy you had earlier. You start to wonder what happened? you tell yourself it’ll be OK! doubt becomes your closest friend - a bed mate that you fight to rid yourself of.

You stop. You feel as if you can breathe again. Sigh.. You take stock of it all. The ideas flow through your mind far faster then you can even begin to try and understand. Sigh.. “oh well” you think. You begin to go back to that laundry list of things to do. Life continues. Before you know it, you’ve knocked out all you were supposed to do today. Sigh.. Wait.. You actually laugh. “TV is always the perfect remedy” you tell yourself. Man, you see the lives of the people making headlines. You don’t envy them. You realize how much better you have it. You actually start to see clearly again. “Wow, I can’t believe I had any doubt earlier, what’s my problem seesh!?” I got it good.

You stop. Something isn’t right. As you look around, everything seems the same. It’s all where it should be. Something isn’t right. Something just isn’t right. You take a deep breath, but rather then being refreshing - it’s laboured, it feels heavy. You think “OK.. don’t freak it’ll be alright.” You take a walk. You turn on your favourite TV show. You throw on the music. You might even try to knit. “Keep yourself busy; focus on something else” you tell yourself. “Stay calm. Relax” keeps running through your mind. As you try to make sense of it all, your mind begins the process of overdrive. You cry out for understanding, you work at clarity, you even PRAY to find any way to stop it!! Just stop it. “STOP, PLEASE STOP” you find yourself mumbling as confusion gives way to tears and further laboured breathing. Frustration kicks in. Control over your own mind and body no longer belong to you. Restlessness is now added to the party. The overwhelming need to walk around, move your hands, keep your self moving in any way possible is paramount. Your heart at this point is racing to the tune of a salsa song. bump-bump-bump-bump. Your mind is right there with it. It’s got everything imaginable going through it. “What’s wrong?” “Calm Down” “Relax, Relax, RELAX, R-E-L-A-X!!” “Breathe, breathe… breathe slowly - OK, 1-2-3″ “Am I going to die?” “why am I doing this?” “won’t it go away?” You are not quite sure how to react. Cry or scream? Hide or Run? You stand and with all you got you dig deep inside to catch your breath - you can’t.

You stop. The warmth from your tears and all that frustration make you feel a million times worse and at this point you feel like you have a fever. You start to even question if you might be having a heart attack or some other crazy ailment. Embarrassment lingers, looking for any way to give you the knock out blow. “What’s wrong with me?” you think “Am I crazy?” you ask? They try to understand and do all they can to give you words of encouragement. A hug, a comforting hand. A shared blanket on the couch. They try everything and anything they can think of to lessen your obvious pain and discomfort. It makes a difference, yet is not the remedy.

You just simply want to die.

You beg for an answer. You ask for understanding, for relief, for death, for ANYTHING. You are at the most venerable you, as an adult, can be. Over a period of minutes you have become that young child that wants for nothing more then her mom to hug her and tell her it’ll be OK. Your mind is tired. Your body is craving solace. You succumb to the fact that you can’t control anything and give up the fight. You rest yourself in any place that provides the feeling of envelopment. You slowly drown within your tears and the softest blanket in the house. The little things become mental notes.

That blanket - it “makes me feel OK”. “I feel OK.” “I’ll be OK.” “It’ll be OK, right?” “Just relax” they say. “Calm down. Maybe you should eat!” the thought makes you want to puke.. but you don’t have the energy to fight. You take something in - soup always calms the soul. Minutes go by, followed by hours. You find yourself laughing again. Snuggled up in that soft blanket with them makes it a little easier. Next thing you know, your up and about again. Step-by-step you find your way. “I feel good” you begin to think. “That was scary - but I’m good.” I’ll be fine. You laugh, you joke, you actually feel great. It’s almost perfect - It feels as though everything is actually how it should be. All is well with the world. You actually feel hope. You actually, strangely enough, feel happiness! is that possible?

For now all is perfect. But it is only 3:13 am….