DIFFERENCE THIS TIME AROUND…

I don’t know if the lack of sleep is finally taking it’s toll; I know it always plays quite the role in how I end up feeling about things on average, so as per norm, I seem to have hit a pretty bad low again. Difference this time around is the overwhelming urge to just give up everything I’ve worked so hard to accomplish. I would venture to say, maybe with a bit of a jaded view, that I am borderline depressed or really lacking anything of substance in my life right now… that probably isn’t the way to put it. I have substance; something worth loving about life. Yet, I have this constant struggle with what I’m not doing rather then what I am. I wouldn’t go as far as to state that is the problem, but I do know that happens to be one of the triggers for this particular expression of thought.

I feel bad for many reasons. I find myself wondering more and more if I’m wasting valuable time absorbing myself in things of little importance or that will benefit my life. Sadly, those invaluable things seem to bring me some sort of contentment, hence the difficulties in letting go. I know, I know, I’m investing so much, yet I feel no danger of disappointment. My rose coloured glasses are hindering the reality of this one way relationship I have going on. Somehow, I’ve confused myself into thinking I’m content; getting back what I give. But is it? It’s patching up the hole, and it feels right, it does.

I was told today that I was missed by someone, and they wanted to spend time with me. I swear, that simple act of expression meant so much to me, I’ve only hung out with her about 3 times but to know she enjoyed my company, wow. It was great! I was also told today, by another friend, that a mutual friend of ours values being able to talk to me so much and that I’m one of the few (and I mean few) people he can talk to. I was floored, to say the least. Those two comments, are something of a desire, for I have this innate need to be constantly needed or “wanted” in some capacity, whether as someone who can be beneficial for listening or as just someone who is helpful. I need to be needed and since I’m lacking abilities in other facets of life, I’m guessing this must be finally the talent blessed with at birth that I always feel eludes me. In being that way though, I open up a wound; a certain vulnerability, that although may be endearing to others, often ends up with me not feeling as satisfied as I thought I would be. Which is why, although lovely comments they were, they’ve had momentary effect. I’m right back where I started hours before. Maybe I’m just hard to please? a little selfish?

I value my spirituality very much so. I believe it has molded me and made me who I am. I’ve had every opportunity to make excuses for my actions or choices in life, but thanks to a faith instilled in me through my desire to have a relationship with who and what I believe to be GOD, I’ve been able to stay relatively “normal” (whatever that means). I’ve changed my way of seeing life and for once felt like I had direction and a means to work hard for something that will pay off. Something that has far more meaning then anything I can do secularly. I grew up poor, with a struggling mother, she did her best to make everything seem peachy in the midst of a not so forgiving thing called life. I knew reality and what growing up fast meant at age 6, and although Barbie’s and dreams of being a professional ice skater twirled around my brain as things that I wanted or wanted to do, I don’t know that it ever covered over the knowledge of my dad and his drinking, or his on the dl drug use (I’m not sure my mom knows about that one time, I guess it should stay that way). So I don’t want what the world can bring. Money is just paper with dead people on it, and although it is a means to provide, accumulating it in an abundance - is not for me. I needed something more; I found it - at my breaking point when I had belief in nothing, NOTHING. I invest so much time and effort by the weeks and the months to conduct myself in ways that I know I should, not to mention, doing my best to be beneficial to human kind by being a generally good citizen but also by doing my best to provide comfort though a means that has always helped me through each trial.

Everyone always told me, I would reach a point where the internal struggle of what I want to do and what I should be doing would hit, I think I’ve finally reached that unfortunate goal. I want to let it all go. Not my spirituality, because I love having something worthy of believing in, but all the time, effort and continual effort I would need to give. I don’t feel I’ve made a difference in people’s lives. I don’t feel it’s for me to learn a new language to help. I don’t think I’m worthy of missionary work. I don’t think I can help to comfort someone, so I just don’t want to. I’m disconnected right now and I feel completely useless, not good enough to be a tool used by God for spreading his word as it deserves to be. I don’t remember the last time I prayed. I don’t remember the last time I asked for help, genuinely. I don’t remember the last time I really felt drawn to do anything but complain about what I can’t do. I know what it will take for me to get it back, but I also feel so drained. It’s as if though, at this point, I don’t even have a want to get it back. I want my relationship, I do. I’m just weak, very weak. I’ve been privileged, blessed and fortunate in so many, many ways; I’m sad. I know he hasn’t left me, his hand is extended, waiting for me to grab on but rather then hold on tight, I almost feel I’m letting finger by finger slip away. I’ve left him and that is just sad. The one means of true stability and genuine love and affection that I so crave. I’ve left it. It’s just sad.

Often times, just the verbal (so to speak) release of it all allows for the good to come back. So, I’m hoping for said results, but as I continue to sit here at 3:20 am, I just know that I’m in the same position as I was when I started typing a little while ago. Difference this time around is I’ve said it, but what am I going to do about it?

I think I’ll go take some Tylenol PM, maybe I’ll be able to come to grips with all that awaits me, eventually. Or maybe I’ll just sleep, sleep, sleep and hope that it’s all just been a dream.

(I’ll return comments soon, I promise)

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