Ive been so moody lately. It sucks. My friend told me today that she knows Im “hurting” about something, though I denied it, because I dont feel hurt by anything, maybe there is “something” that is bothering me. Im not sure what though? I know Ive been stressed about some things and whether or not they are going to happen but I wouldnt think it would lead me to feel this way? Ive been snippy and just out right stank at points. It just doesnt make sense. Ive never been one to over-analyze what I feel I just know I feel something, accept it and move on to the next thing. Ive also always been very quiet about what’s going on internally, I know that isnt good, but yet that’s just the way I do it. I just have no idea what the deal is. Ive been so focused on my ministry and doing that — that I really have no time for anything else, let alone focusing on “feelings”. I know I feel bleh and I know as I mentioned Ive been stressed; but to be so moody? It just isn’t adding up. Maybe I need a few days away or something, or a change I dunno, my mind keeps thinking change… So maybe Ill change my meeting week up or something.

It almost makes me question on whether or not I want to persue my goal or figure something else out. Ive been wavering back and forth on if I want to make my ministry “full time” (meaning 70+ hours a month) or stick to where I’m at with (50+ hours a month) it’s a lot more work then people think but I know in my heart I want to do it, so Im all set to do it, but then I start to think about the fact that I need a job, and want to save for my trip or a car you know crap like that and then I start to wonder if I want to dedicate myself to that or not, its a huge stuggle in my heart as I have wanted to do this since I first started yet “life” is pulling me towards: “I need to start building for a future” and albeit Im the poster child for advising about finding “balance” in life, to me it seems, that that isnt possible in my situation. For me, right now, it seems it has to be one or the other and my heart AND mind isn’t willing to compromise. Yet, I NEED to, I have to I just don’t want to. I dont know if Im capable of handling both without sacrificing one and Im scared it’d be the one that I shouldn’t. So i dont even want to risk it, Ive done it before and I know how I felt and I can’t go back to that. It sucks.

Another thing is Im tired of my family, Im sick of all the drama and all the crap all the stupid remarks and all the lame excuses. Its frustrating, I want nothing to do with any of them yet I cant seem to get away from them even at the meetings, I cant focus because Im either pissed off cause of their crap or Im annoyed because of something said/did. I just wish I could move to away to Ireland marry a nice Irish brother and forget about San Jose… oh please.. oh pleasee…

I need to stop and work on myself and really find a way to open up, I feel like Im letting myself pass on so much all because I always feel stupid. Yet, I always seem to perfer to alienate myself from everything because I’d rather come home and get online or watch the game or anything but what’s “planned” for the group. Then again maybe that’s just who I am and rather then try to fit the “mold” or learn to “small talk” maybe I should just accept it and make people do the same, live that part of my life and I please and call it a day… or maybe I can just stop being selfish, give people 5 minutes and maybe just maybe find the happiness in that… or maybe I can just get off this computer and go to bed…