UGH!!

OK, I got to complain. I have the worst headache in the world and it has to be about 500 degrees right about now. It’s almost 11:30 pm and there is no end in sight for this nasty heat and tomorrow is only going to get worse. I don’t know whether to cry or be angry. My head is pounding and I can’t relax. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the summer? If not let me make it known now. I HATE THE SUMMER.

Le Sigh!

OBVIOUS!

Are we that obvious?

I was talking to a girlfriend the other day and the subject of this new guy came up. I thought nothing of it until I realized that about an hour of our conversation was basically about him. I couldn’t help but chuckle and then tease her mercilessly about it all. So it left me wondering are we, as girls, often that obvious about guys we are interested in?

I had a conversation with a guy friend the other day. I asked him about someone new. I wanted to know his story. Not because I was interested, I’m not! (I’m actually interested in the guy friend I was talking to) but because whenever someone new comes around inevitably someone IS interested, and I just happened to know who was. So, as any good friend would, I wanted info for her. 5 seconds into me asking, this guy friend proceeds to say something along the lines of, “are you stalking your prey?” I chuckled and followed that up with a very convincing (and honest) “NO, It’s not for me that I want the info” which lead to me getting into a little deeper problem with the “who is it for” and what have you’s.

Nonetheless, I realize, often-times we can be very obvious when it comes to the objects of our affection. Now would you say it’s because somewhere deep down we want them to find out? or is it a girl territory issue? or is it just my circle of friends that happen to be more “open” so to speak, about it all? I don’t know.

I tend to closely guard any emotions I have for someone, to me its something that I never seem to be ready to reveal (to that person, anyway). Yet, somehow, I always get found out. I guess in one way or another I do like for those close to me to have some idea of what is actually going on in the grand scheme of things. I have yet to figure out though if it’s in hopes that maybe they can find out how he feels about me or what my logic is.

The downside of it all though is that it almost makes me feel immature. I think, any real grown adult wouldn’t handle things like this. They would be upfront and honest about the whole thing and take the answer, whether good or bad, and move on. I have yet to be an adult..

I don’t know. I’m guessing it really isn’t that big of a deal. But you know, in my little world, which is filled with many questions and many ups and down. I can’t help but wonder.. am I really that obvious?

I wonder if he knows… YIKES!

HOPE

“I had hope, I believed, but I’m beginning to think that I’ve been deceived”
No More Sorrow - Linkin Park

Apt words indeed! See, I’ve come to understand a few things about hope. First, I must say it is, to me, an admirable quality. Looking for, or at the least trying to see life and the things in it, in a positive way is something I can really appreciate. Yet, I can’t help but think that hope eventually does nothing but set you up for further failure coupled with disappointment; or so it seems anyway…

When in a negative mind frame, I tend to see things in said ways, but I always try to, at the least, convince myself to see it all in a positive manner. I guess ones attitude really does slant the idea of “hope” in one way or another. I mean, truthfully, hope isn’t so bad. It’s a means to dream, to desire. One can say it helps to build trust, it’s apart of relationships and is a comforting friend in the midst of sorrow. But am I wrong in thinking that hope means accepting a certain level of risk; of potential heartbreak?

I guess as with anything, it’s give and take but is it really worth it? Is the investment of so much emotion into another emotion or idea (or however you chose to define HOPE) really a wise thing to do? Is hope simply based on a human desire to find something joyful in an oft-times difficult world? I know these are all open ended questions, left for ones own interpretation. I just know that although I have hope for many things, I’ve also come to be quite close friends with the build up and let down side of it all.

I hate to be cold to emotion. My lifestyle, and the way I chose to do things, demands that I be sympathetic. Yet, I always somehow question certain aspects of feeling. I think it’s largely due to my emotions in the moment. I present myself to be logical, a thinker so to speak. I’m always very much emotionless in that I tend to keep it under wraps pretty well. (Unless, I’m angry which then means the whole world WILL know it, but that’s another issue lol.) Yet, I’m also very much a moody and emotional person within myself, when I have ample personal thinking time is when I venture off into the world of WHY’s and WHAT’s, HOW’S and WHO’s of it all! Which ends up with a blog post, lol as I’m currently doing. I mean, really, it probably isn’t as difficult, let alone as “philosophical”, as I might make out to be; (I’m very much into the world is black and white, it’s either yes or no, until the subject comes to me then I become the most indecisive person on the planet) I don’t know. It’s just a random idea floating around the sphere (or peanut lol) known as my brain.

Having put so much of my emotions into being hopeful at times has lead to me being hopeless and I guess, in the end, that’s pretty sad to me. There is something whimsical or just pure about having hope. It’s like the eyes of a child when they believe in something. I guess for me, to think I can, or have at times, lost that bit of spark is scary. I just can’t help but wonder, have I been deceived?

INSIDE THE MIND…

It starts out all so very normal; actually it feels different, it’s almost perfect! as if it were a court appointed comfortable day in your pj’s, curled under a nice toasty blanket, good book and all. It feels as though everything is actually how it should be. All is well with the world. You actually feel hope. You actually, strangely enough, feel happiness! is that possible? It is, finally fully convinced you go about your day, with a little swagger, a little hop in your step. As the time goes by, what was begins to fade into what is. What is, has now become a tiny bit more fussed, more confused. You go on. You focus. You try to forget. You go about your business doing all you can to sink your fingers as deep as possible into what now seems as a minuscule feeling of joy you had earlier. You start to wonder what happened? you tell yourself it’ll be OK! doubt becomes your closest friend - a bed mate that you fight to rid yourself of.

You stop. You feel as if you can breathe again. Sigh.. You take stock of it all. The ideas flow through your mind far faster then you can even begin to try and understand. Sigh.. “oh well” you think. You begin to go back to that laundry list of things to do. Life continues. Before you know it, you’ve knocked out all you were supposed to do today. Sigh.. Wait.. You actually laugh. “TV is always the perfect remedy” you tell yourself. Man, you see the lives of the people making headlines. You don’t envy them. You realize how much better you have it. You actually start to see clearly again. “Wow, I can’t believe I had any doubt earlier, what’s my problem seesh!?” I got it good.

You stop. Something isn’t right. As you look around, everything seems the same. It’s all where it should be. Something isn’t right. Something just isn’t right. You take a deep breath, but rather then being refreshing - it’s laboured, it feels heavy. You think “OK.. don’t freak it’ll be alright.” You take a walk. You turn on your favourite TV show. You throw on the music. You might even try to knit. “Keep yourself busy; focus on something else” you tell yourself. “Stay calm. Relax” keeps running through your mind. As you try to make sense of it all, your mind begins the process of overdrive. You cry out for understanding, you work at clarity, you even PRAY to find any way to stop it!! Just stop it. “STOP, PLEASE STOP” you find yourself mumbling as confusion gives way to tears and further laboured breathing. Frustration kicks in. Control over your own mind and body no longer belong to you. Restlessness is now added to the party. The overwhelming need to walk around, move your hands, keep your self moving in any way possible is paramount. Your heart at this point is racing to the tune of a salsa song. bump-bump-bump-bump. Your mind is right there with it. It’s got everything imaginable going through it. “What’s wrong?” “Calm Down” “Relax, Relax, RELAX, R-E-L-A-X!!” “Breathe, breathe… breathe slowly - OK, 1-2-3″ “Am I going to die?” “why am I doing this?” “won’t it go away?” You are not quite sure how to react. Cry or scream? Hide or Run? You stand and with all you got you dig deep inside to catch your breath - you can’t.

You stop. The warmth from your tears and all that frustration make you feel a million times worse and at this point you feel like you have a fever. You start to even question if you might be having a heart attack or some other crazy ailment. Embarrassment lingers, looking for any way to give you the knock out blow. “What’s wrong with me?” you think “Am I crazy?” you ask? They try to understand and do all they can to give you words of encouragement. A hug, a comforting hand. A shared blanket on the couch. They try everything and anything they can think of to lessen your obvious pain and discomfort. It makes a difference, yet is not the remedy.

You just simply want to die.

You beg for an answer. You ask for understanding, for relief, for death, for ANYTHING. You are at the most venerable you, as an adult, can be. Over a period of minutes you have become that young child that wants for nothing more then her mom to hug her and tell her it’ll be OK. Your mind is tired. Your body is craving solace. You succumb to the fact that you can’t control anything and give up the fight. You rest yourself in any place that provides the feeling of envelopment. You slowly drown within your tears and the softest blanket in the house. The little things become mental notes.

That blanket - it “makes me feel OK”. “I feel OK.” “I’ll be OK.” “It’ll be OK, right?” “Just relax” they say. “Calm down. Maybe you should eat!” the thought makes you want to puke.. but you don’t have the energy to fight. You take something in - soup always calms the soul. Minutes go by, followed by hours. You find yourself laughing again. Snuggled up in that soft blanket with them makes it a little easier. Next thing you know, your up and about again. Step-by-step you find your way. “I feel good” you begin to think. “That was scary - but I’m good.” I’ll be fine. You laugh, you joke, you actually feel great. It’s almost perfect - It feels as though everything is actually how it should be. All is well with the world. You actually feel hope. You actually, strangely enough, feel happiness! is that possible?

For now all is perfect. But it is only 3:13 am….

IT’S REALLY ALL SO SAD…

[EDIT] the affiliate form should be working again, so if you want to apply please do so [/EDIT]

OK so I’m having bandwith problems so if the site goes down in the next few days then you know why. I don’t know why it’s gone so high I’ve never used up my entire bandwith before, not that I can remember anyway. I’m at 80% at this point so I won’t be surprised if it goes down sometime soon so just an FYI.

So tell me. If you had a choice. Would you go on a 3/4 days cruise or just take a “normal” trip? I’m trying to decide. I was thinking about surprising my mom with a cruise maybe to Mexico or to the Bahamas. A 3/4 day cruise wont set me back much, actually it’s a lot cheaper then I thought it would be so I think it would be an awesome gift. Or, maybe a trip somewhere in general. I don’t know. She’s always wanted to go on a cruise so I’m leaning a bit in that direction.

I’m not sure if I mentioned it but I FINALLY paid off all of my outstanding tickets LOL thank goodness. It was stressing me out. I had to go down to the traffic court which was an interesting process in the least. I shall spare you the gory details but let me say I was in line with a wonderful couple who I’d bet everything I own would have had “relations” right then and there if it was possible.. or even if the armed police weren’t there haha. eww.

So, I’m trying my hardest not to be offended by my friends (not those of you who are online buddies) because it just seems as everyday passes, yet another one fails to consider me in one way or another. I don’t know if I am being extra sensitive or defensive but I do know that I, more then ever, am feeling left out and not cared about. I just have to laugh about it cause otherwise I’d be seriously sad. I don’t know. I think I must be really needy or clingy right now because I just hate the current circumstances. No one once asked me if I was OK with all the stuff with my grandma. No one cared to ask if I wanted to go to the party. No one emailed me all the pictures. He didn’t email me (but everyone else he did) from his trip (even after I emailed him trying to find out if he was OK and safe, it is dangerous out there, and THAT was proven..). No one told me or asked me if I was going to go to the meeting. I didn’t get an apology even after I was proven correct; in fact I got further chastised for a simple language blunder and even then I still got nothing! I didn’t get an “are you OK” when I mentioned I was going to stop doing something pretty important in my life. I was told my time spent with someone wouldn’t be nearly as fun as it would be when with others. I was told I deserved for him to be grumpy with me cause I have a bad attitude. I was told I should be happy people even call me. Yeah… time and time again I just find myself annoyed by it all. I just often wonder if maybe it’s all in my head, Ive tried to convince myself that it is but I can’t help but think I am being unappreciated. It’s an internal battle that I can’t seem to break. I hate to sound manipulative, but I think it’s time to find out who is the real deal! and this time I’m not going to be so easy. I am slowly getting angry so action needs to be taken. At what cost? maybe most of the people who are “friends” but oh well. That’s life. Everyone is about to be shut out and whether they truly like it or not they will have to prove themselves or it’s done. Plain and simple. It’s a bitchy (pardon the French lol) thing to do but in the same breath those who are real with me will keep it straight and those who aren’t, are not worth it. Let’s just hope I can keep to this. With all the changes I desire to make in my life now I NEED to keep to it. I’m sure I’ll be crying the blues and depressed on here soon enough but as I said, oh well, that’s life. Let the crap begin…

Wow, I am not usually phased by many things. I am an emotional person, but I can almost always hold my own. Yet, I must say I was TOTALLY saddened to hear of Heath Ledger’s death. I was totally shocked. Not that I was a fan or anything. I’m not a big movie fan so I rarely ever am a fan of anyone famous for acting, but this was a shock and I’m really sad by it. I guess, it’s because of 2 things. One, there is a little girl who wont be able to know her father. Knowing that feeling all to well, I can understand that it is going to be very difficult. Not to mention his family and friends. It’s ALWAYS sad when someone is lost. Two, in a world filled with so much excess in today’s “modern” Hollywood, it was actually nice to see someone YOUNG, who although imperfect, with their share of mistakes and stupid moves, take responsibility for what he should have, and just continue to try and do his work - hone his talent, so to speak. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy all around, sure he had his issues, but who doesn’t. He seemed like he just did his job and lived his life. He didn’t do much to try and clamour for publicity. No need for shock tactics or living in the drama-filled fast lane. I’m sure there is more to the story, there always is, but I don’t know. I’m not sure of the circumstances behind it all, having saw the news, there are many “rumours” going around as to what it is. A sad “mistake” is how his family is addressing it, and if that does turn out to be the case then that is one horrible, horrible tragedy. I think it goes to show the fragility of life and how much pressure there is on these people to live up to and be ON 24/7! It breaks my heart. Nonetheless, someone unfortunately lost their life and even worse a family, friends and a little baby must go on without someone so important to their lives. Ya’ll never, EVER, forget the simple and precious gift life is. Because as easy as it can be given, so can be taken away. YOU mean so much to SOMEONE and never EVER assume that you won’t be missed. Remember none of us are given exemption, always think smart, and think of those around you. It’s really all so sad.

BRRRR…

OMG it is totally freezing and rainy! It’s actually pretty exciting. We havent had weather like this in a while so it’s been nice to see so much water, wind and basically all the elements. I have to admit though, it isn’t quite fun to drive in. I was totally freaked out earlier to drive in it and I had a few “close” moments in that the water is “standing” (almost flooding) on the highways so it was a little slick and at times scary but I made it home safely. I actually didn’t end up going in to work either as my boss said I should just stay home. It’s a wonderful and welcomed change especially since I don’t have to be in it or drive in it lol! I do have to go drive now though, not fun! I must pick up my mother. Anyway, stay warm ya’ll brrrrrrrrrr

I’M DONE

[EDIT] I added some LP avs (avs page) and a wallpaper (wallpaper page), I’ll try and update them as I change layouts, yeah I’m slow, deal with it lol! Anyway, hope you can make use of them. I also fixed the “ask me” page so ask me some questions LOL I love nosey people. [/EDIT]

The spam issue has got out of control man, it’s crazy. It all came out of nowhere. That sucks. But thankfully I got Akismet all set up. I had over 1000 spammy crap in comments. I’m wondering what triggered it though, I had been pretty good up until now. I don’t know what brought it on. Oh well.

Thanks for the nice comments so far on the layout, I appreciate it. Im actually very happy with how it turned out. As I mentioned, the LP guys are always inspiration for me as I love them DEARLY. I was so excited to go their offish site and find out they are touring again. I see a tour date in Las Vegas around March, Im TOTALLY there. They are having a California show, but I’d rather make a mini vacation out of it. LP IN LV OMGG can I cry? I would F-R-E-A-K! It would totally make up for me missing them on August. I hope I can make it happen. I’m psyched.

So, the drama continues. Basically, the guy I went to for advice as I mentioned outright didn’t help me. See thing is I think what I told him, hit home, because he basically did the same thing the other guy did, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I don’t know him THAT well, hes a “newer” friend so to speak. So, I was like whatever! but since I introduced him to one of my girlfriends he seems to be available for anything related to her, in fact found out he made plans with her for something and even though he asked me to let him know about if I can do the same thing with him, which I did, he never responded. It’s cool. I’m not caring much. I’m really starting to think I have a big ole sign over my head saying that I’m a push over or something. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME, I believe it says. Anyway, now that I’ve gone to him for help, he just can’t be bothered. I don’t know. He got mad at me cause I didn’t email him when I took my little sabbatical last month (I didn’t talk to him for a month) and then when I did finally respond, he just was done with me I guess. I can’t worry about it though, it just hurts. I can say one thing though, I’ve had enough drama in my life lately and enough with the other dude so I will not stand for this guy’s drama or attitude! As I told my friend (the one that he has plenty of time for) he can screw it and (she can tell him that for all I care) I’m done. I refuse to be sympathetic and to lay down this time, even if it means I have to cut people out, I don’t care. I will not be someone’s little *@%$! anymore. It isn’t the best attitude, but it’s all I know when it comes to defending myself. He’s not the one sitting here feeling like he never mattered, he’s not sitting here wondering if the friendship was even real. I’m done. As far as the other one goes, I haven’t talked to him and I don’t plan to. I’ve come to the proper conclusion that I’m going to let people come to me from now on. I will not go to anyone. PERIOD. All of my *friends* (and I use that term loosely) included. It stops now.