Moodys not in the mood

Ive been so moody lately. It sucks. My friend told me today that she knows Im “hurting” about something, though I denied it, because I dont feel hurt by anything, maybe there is “something” that is bothering me. Im not sure what though? I know Ive been stressed about some things and whether or not they are going to happen but I wouldnt think it would lead me to feel this way? Ive been snippy and just out right stank at points. It just doesnt make sense. Ive never been one to over-analyze what I feel I just know I feel something, accept it and move on to the next thing. Ive also always been very quiet about what’s going on internally, I know that isnt good, but yet that’s just the way I do it. I just have no idea what the deal is. Ive been so focused on my ministry and doing that — that I really have no time for anything else, let alone focusing on “feelings”. I know I feel bleh and I know as I mentioned Ive been stressed; but to be so moody? It just isn’t adding up. Maybe I need a few days away or something, or a change I dunno, my mind keeps thinking change… So maybe Ill change my meeting week up or something.

It almost makes me question on whether or not I want to persue my goal or figure something else out. Ive been wavering back and forth on if I want to make my ministry “full time” (meaning 70+ hours a month) or stick to where I’m at with (50+ hours a month) it’s a lot more work then people think but I know in my heart I want to do it, so Im all set to do it, but then I start to think about the fact that I need a job, and want to save for my trip or a car you know crap like that and then I start to wonder if I want to dedicate myself to that or not, its a huge stuggle in my heart as I have wanted to do this since I first started yet “life” is pulling me towards: “I need to start building for a future” and albeit Im the poster child for advising about finding “balance” in life, to me it seems, that that isnt possible in my situation. For me, right now, it seems it has to be one or the other and my heart AND mind isn’t willing to compromise. Yet, I NEED to, I have to I just don’t want to. I dont know if Im capable of handling both without sacrificing one and Im scared it’d be the one that I shouldn’t. So i dont even want to risk it, Ive done it before and I know how I felt and I can’t go back to that. It sucks.

Another thing is Im tired of my family, Im sick of all the drama and all the crap all the stupid remarks and all the lame excuses. Its frustrating, I want nothing to do with any of them yet I cant seem to get away from them even at the meetings, I cant focus because Im either pissed off cause of their crap or Im annoyed because of something said/did. I just wish I could move to away to Ireland marry a nice Irish brother and forget about San Jose… oh please.. oh pleasee…

I need to stop and work on myself and really find a way to open up, I feel like Im letting myself pass on so much all because I always feel stupid. Yet, I always seem to perfer to alienate myself from everything because I’d rather come home and get online or watch the game or anything but what’s “planned” for the group. Then again maybe that’s just who I am and rather then try to fit the “mold” or learn to “small talk” maybe I should just accept it and make people do the same, live that part of my life and I please and call it a day… or maybe I can just stop being selfish, give people 5 minutes and maybe just maybe find the happiness in that… or maybe I can just get off this computer and go to bed…

Blah, Blah, Blah!

I had a great 8 hour day in-service at the mall and another 8 hour day today, though I wouldn’t say it was great. I woke up in the most horrible mood. It didn’t finally go away till maybe mid-afternoon I guess its my fault. I never understand why I stay mad even when I have to reason to be, you know? It just doesn’t make sense. It isn’t going to make my day better by being annoyed and Im not ruining anything for anyone (if its a person that made me mad) if they aren’t around, so why the fuss? I’m still trying to figure it out. Eventually, I stopped acting like a child and let the anger go and I ended up having a pretty darn good day. It was fun.

I got a full bag of clothes from a friend tonight *dies happy* Im so excited, I love getting awesome clothes don’t care if they are “hammy-downs” they are great. I can’t wait to wear them.

I need to find a freaking dvd player that will play all regions. It sucks because I have all these westlife dvd’s and I cant even play them on my own tv to watch, for some odd reason the dvd player in the living room plays them but we already have 3 others so I dont want to go out and buy another of the one we have in there. Yet, in the same breath I dont want to take the player out from that tv as that’s a big screen tv so I love watching them on there, hmph. I just want the ability to watch them on my own little drinky tv if by chance I want to, like I did the other morning when I could’nt sleep. Needless to say it was a very boring morning…

Sleeepy

Tired…….. I had a 15 hour day in-service on Wed.. man I was so tired I could barely stay awake in the car LOL poor me. It was fun though, never done it before but it was great.

I had to help give a presentation last night *scary* but we got through it with a bump or two before it actually started. I didnt know till like an hour before ahaha but I guess I rather not know till so close cause then I dont have time to worry. Im the type to freak myself out and then get sick from freaking myself out lol stupid me.

I have an 8 hour day today.. (and Saturday) woo hoo should be interesting. Im out from 6am till 2pm so I know Ill be tired again *sigh* which means I should be in bed but as I did or didnt mention I have insomnia (sp?) so Ive only been getting a few hours lately hmph, I hate it. There’s nothing I seem to be able to do about it though, it stinks.

I did all my washing which Im happy about but now all my clothes are on my bed and I want to sleep LOL so what do you think, sleep on top or kick them to the floor?

Yippe, Skippy, Doggy Daddy!

I finally got my new phone! Yay Im so happy. I spent the free 10$ card they gave me on a playing on the internet and downloading the “Uptown Girl” ringtone I just had to have. Now I just wish I could download them to my phone myself, its just too expensive. The best thing of all is though, that I have free mobile to mobile with any cingular customer in the USA woo hoo! I’m loving it. If you wanna be nosey and see it click HERE

I also got some new pics of my baby Pepper lol! You have to see my little man ahaha *Im sad I know* check him out HERE

I went out in-service yesterday, it was nice but something happened that never has. I started talking to someone and she just started crying, just bawling. I was taken back to be honest, Ive never been good at knowing what to say when it someone starts crying but I did my best. It was just different. Its usually people being mean and slamming the door at me and stuff but wow this is different. Just goes to show much people need love.

*sings* All we need is love..

SHE’S BACK

Ahaha I love that song. Anyway, yes Im back. Isn’t my new layout soooo purdy? Gotta love the Marcus. All flushed and everything yee haww! Tee hee. I love it so much I couldn’t bare putting my site name on it. That’s horrible, eh? I just couldnt help it, no font or writing of any sort did that image justice so sadly it must remain blank. Anyway I wanted something with him on it so yippee.

Lets see what’s been going on. Service and more service. We had the memorial for Jesus on Wed. if your a bible reader then you’ll know that in there Jesus says to remember the day of his death as if you really think about it the day of someones death is far more, I hate to say important but as a wonderful point someone made when you die you’ve accomplished things in life, have made a “name” for yourself, if you will. Whereas when your born you have nothing to back up the “person” I dunno it might not make sense to many but it does to me.. anyhoo we do that every year On Nissan 14 which usually is around March/April. So anyway, that was nice. On to other things..

What else.. I finally got over my cold. Im happy about that, it sucked. It lasted amost 2 weeks so needless to say when it was done I was thrilled. I know Ive done so much I just cant remember it all lol. *thinks I should blog everyday to remember it all ha!* Ive been applying to jobs and that kind of junk. Im thinking of taking my service to the next level and by that I mean dedicating myself to more hours, it will take a lot of my time and will require a lot more out of me but I’d love to do it and maybe I will. I dunno yet. I need to pray about it.

Hmm lets see.. my Sharks are going to the playoffs wooooo hooooooo *dances* lol I havent been to a game in forever and a day so thats sucky but Im happy for them.

Im at a loss as to what else to say, so Im gonna go hehe I need to do other stuff anyway.. oh yeah just to let you know I finally added my site collective and I re-did my fanlistings page so me being constructive!

BAD WEBBY

OK, I know Im horrible. Sorry I will update I promise. Ive just been caught up with other things. Im in the process of creating a new layout for this place and I will try to be better but I just got to much going on. Sowwy!

Be patient. Thanks for all the lourve.