OOH SORRY!

Man, sorry for the lack of anything here but Ive just been mad busy. Ive had something to do everyday for the last week and it’s kept me from home, let alone the internet! It’s been cool to be busy though, yet Im truly tired.

Ill try and update more this week. I wanna try and get a new layout and actually try to do something around here but I haven’t even thought about what exactly. Anyhoo, Ill have more to say when Im not so tired and my brain isn’t all scrambled. yay for a new month.

SO….

….. I talked to the friend today! I was so happy that I did. You dont know how much better I feel. I think as I mentioned my biggest fear was loosing him moreso then the one I like. I just love this friend with everything and I told him that. I asked him if he got my message, he said no. I dont know if he’s lying or not but nonetheless I told him what I said. I miss you. He said they felt the same. I feel tons better, not complete, but better. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me.

I feel ok.

Finally.

A friend gave me flowers today. Ive never really got any in my life. Once or twice I have but only from family. It was nice, a very sweet gesture. I feel special. Aww. I guess kindness does pay off. Ive just been there for this person lately and they are returning the favour now that I am going through crap. I love my friend, she rocks. Anyhoo, They are beautiful I have to get a picture.

I also got a new outfit for this weekend. Im excited. Ill get a photo of that too.. if I remember. Its a dress with yellow flowers, it’s pretty! lol I spent most of the afternoon looking for something to wear, I was so happy when I found that. Oooh also I found some awesome shoes too. I cant wait to get them tomorrow. Im so excited LOL! shoes rock. I wanna do something with my hair too. I think hilights. Not sure if to go with brown or red.. any suggestions? My hair is pretty dark, black to most people so any help… I’d appreciate.

THE STORY

Things have pretty much gone from bad to worse. I can’t even bear to be in the same room with *him* I just get so angry. I think I should clarify this whole situation. There is someone I really and deeply care/cared about, he’s my friend and Ive known him for the last year. Ive tried so hard to be a friend above and beyond everything else. I think Ive done an alright job. It’s hard with him cause he doesnt let very many people in — neither do I though. So it’s made our relationship a little difficult. We have our good times and our bad. He’s a little younger and less mature then I expected which has cause it’s own set of problems. The situation was doomed in the first place because I knew we didn’t have much of a connection but I allowed myself to continue down this bad road. I like him though, deeply. He has so much that I want in someone. In the last few months it’s just got progresively worse, I found out who he likes. I met her the next day after I found out. I had to “advise” him on her and what to do about her. I had to accept my new place in his life and had to watch as he basically drooled all over her right in front of my own face. It HURT badly. I did it though, I hung around through it all. I was a good friend. I never let it show that I was breaking but I have to admint Im not completely innocent. I’ve been defensive and have acted stank once or twice so Im not completly off the hook, but I think for the way I felt and as hurt as I was, I did a pretty good job. Anyway, during this whole process I developed a deep (brotherly) love for his best friend. I love him so much and would do ANYTHING for him. He’s proven his friendship to me and always shows lots of love for me, he’s been beyond loyal and supportive. He was there for me during a very, VERY horrible time in my life. He gave so much to me during that time. It started a month ago because of some issues and miscommunication the issues with the one I like has seeped itself into my relationship with this friend who is like my brother and I think that is the biggest source of my frustration and overwhelming sadness right now. Ive asked this friend to talk but it just never happens and it’s hurting me dearly. Ive felt like Ive been put on the back-burner and that Im not important anymore. Ive pleaded to talk to them and I dont even get a call back. Ive been told things only to find out they did exactly what they said they wouldnt. Ive asked for time to spend with them, have been told it isn’t possible only to find out it actually was. I feel like Im being avoided. I just feel totally broken because of it all. He (the one like a brother) tried to talk to me today and all I could do was try not to cry. I know I annoyed him because of the look on his face but I couldnt talk to him, I just couldn’t. I feel so hurt. I dont know if because my emotions are hightened if Ive just been taking everything wrong this whole time or if its truly a problem. I have no clue anymore to be honest. Tonight, I broke down and told him in a message that I miss him, because I do. He’s the closest thing to a brother (then my own who I dont know) that I have and I just have a hole in my heart because right now he’s not filling it.

Now on to the new chapter of the story. I met someone a couple weeks ago. Ive seen him before but never thought anything of it. We became close in the last month. We are totally bonded for many reasons now; I have spent lots of time with him. I’ve come to find out he is friends with the two I just mentioned, which I never knew that they had a friendship, let alone knew each other. Nonetheless, my time has not been spent with them but moreso with him. It’s been fun. He is totally honest; brutally. He’s got great qualities and as I mentioned before has the same goals. I don’t like him quite yet, but I know I could. Which is what the previous post was all about. I spent some more time with him over the last week and it’s just got harder because we share something pretty deep. Since a lot of my time has been with him, I have not seen, heard or even talked to the others… not at my own fault though. I’ve made an effort on many occassions, even begging them to call me and they never did. I don’t know if this “new” friendship is a problem or what but where I stand now, Im not talking to the two of them and Im trying balance out my relationship with the new one. It’s rough. I can truthfully say I am at a loss and don’t know how to work my way out of this one. On a side note I thought he (new one) was going to leave soon, that would have forced things to be easier but I have now found out that he might actually become a more permanent part of my life. Thow another log into the fire. *sigh*

Im drained.

I feel like I need to get out. I find joy in nothing right now. I just want to quit my class because it relates to all of them and I just relate my anger/frustration to it (plus I have to see them which right now I dont want to). I am always on edge and just either want to cry or curse. I feel like I need to travel somewhere for a period of time and just get out. There is a HUGE funk around lately and it’s just causing one issue after another.

So that’s the deal. I hope it all makes sense now. I just want to thank you all for your comments. I really do appreciate them. I can’t tell you enough how amazing it is to have a different perspective. It nice to have the thoughts of my friends but it’s even more better to have the thoughts of those who have no partiality. Thank you, so much.

THERE IT IS AGAIN…

I find myself doing it again. Im letting someone get to me and it makes me wanna cry. I find myself focused on someone so much so that he is taking up all my thoughts. I cant talk about him enough, Im just enveloped in him and his personality. He’s my friend first and foremost but Ive been around him way too much lately and I find myself completely focused on HIM. I hate it. It makes me so sad honestly, because yet again here I am caring about someone who Im sure doesn’t feel the same way. It boggles my mind. Why do I keep doing this? It’s so self destructive. I just crave love so much though. Im begining to think that is my problem. He’s so sweet and plays to a part of my personality that Iv’e always been afraid to show. He’s allowing me to let my hair down just a bit and it’s so refreshing. He has all the qualities and goals I want in someone, he’s attractive and has the best personality out there. Ugh. I hate it, so much. It just breaks my heart that I keep doing this to myself I don’t want to but I just find myself not being able to fully control it.

I dont wanna do this having delt with all I have with this last one. My heart is just taking me up, down and around. It’s killing me.

SICK

Man, I was so freaking sick yesterday, and I still dont feel all that grand today. I think I got some bad food, Im pretty sure of that being the case because it was only after I ate it again that I felt horrible. I could not move! I had some major chills. I was sooo cold. My stomach felt like it was being stabbed. It was so bad. I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital, thankfully I didnt but nonetheless it was a crazy experience.

Watch your food ya’ll. It can be bad…

HOTEL RESERVATIONS

Anyone who knows me, knows that it is my goal and dream to go and see as many places as I possibly can. Anyone who also knows me knows that I am far from rich and honestly if I can lay my head in a cheap place or even better with friends, then by all means I will. I tend to try and see the rooming and hotel experience as just a place to sleep and shower, the real excitment comes in seeing, living and being the place you are at. It’s always cool though to find a good website that has some pretty awesome deals

Hotel Reservations.com has not only hotel info but also Vacation Rentals and even flight and car deals. I know it makes life that much more easier to be able to find everything and anything you need in one place. A couple of the perks is the 100 Dollar Rebate also the internet discount. I have to mention something I really appreciated though, is the destination guide. They have plenty of information on the many different places to travel. They provide statistics on the city, also the best times to travel there. Information on Visas, currency exchange, getting around, security, religions, history and so much more. It’s a great souce and help in learning about where you are headed to. Check it out. I know in planning to make my way to Ireland again it’s a lot of help!

AHHHHH I HATE BOYS

I just dont get it honestly. Earlier in the week I was talking about guys and girls. I had mentioned I would get into the topic of equal friendship, I had forgot about it till now. I have reason to get into this and I think now is the time. I just don’t understand the dynamics of many things and obviously Im a lot more in dark then I ever thought I was. See I was with a friend, a friend who happens to be very close to the person I like. Anyway, I have been on the case of this person I like because I really don’t feel we have an equal friendship, meaning I think I give more to it then he does, by far. I make the calls, I do the talking, I have been the one to always apologise, the one to forgive. Now, I must admit I call things as I see them. I don’t play around and when you have wronged me I will call you on that whether your alone or around other people.

I call him a couple weeks ago, I had been gone (as in not around as much) due to school and other personal matters, so I had not seen him in a while. I asked for a call back, never got one. I saw him the other day and called him on it. He just laughed at me. That’s what hurts me even more is when he acts like it’s not that important. He took it as a joke. I said OK, fine. I let it go. I was cool about it, I kept it light but I wasn’t playing, I meant what I said. I refused to speak to him. I thought it wasn’t cool he didn’t call me especially after I seem to always make the effort. Anyway, I saw him a few times since and it’s been decent, we’d say hi/bye that type of deal. Very unlike how things used to be.

Things have changed a bit, I have a guy friend, who I love!, love!, love!, now apart of my life. So, I talk about him, I rave about him, I make my appreciation of him known. I don’t like him romantically so I’m not fearful of saying that I love him or have it be taken the wrong way. Ive told that to the friend that is very close to the one I like about this new friend and how much I love him. Turns out they know each other so I guess they have a history (not a bad one) anyway, I saw my new friend today when I was with my old friend and the guy I like. Things got crazy and the guy I liked called out my new friend for the very same reason I called him out before. Well, right or wrong I didnt stand for the hypocrisy and told him that. In front of everyone there I called him on it, my new friend and I agreed and maybe we rubbed it a little too hard cause I dont think it went over well with the one I liked, I tried to talk to him and I got some lame excuse from the friend why he (the one I like) couldnt talk. I asked for him to call me back the friend said he’d tell him….. and I got no call back. Im seriously done. I feel like Im being totally disrespected and I wont stand for it. It’s done.

Nonetheless, something is up and I don’t know what. I don’t get it. I dont know if he found out I like him and can’t handle it. I don’t know if he’s pissed at me for calling him on his crappyness or what the deal is but Im completely confused and lost. This is what I mean by equal friendship, Im the one sitting here typing all of this out, spilling all of this to a world I don’t know but I can’t even begin to come close to telling the person who should know because he won’t freaking give me the time of day nor does he honestly seem to care. I cant begin to believe this someone that I would consider to be a FRIEND. I know there is more to him and to the person he is but seriously I’m getting NOTHING and I don’t get it. It hurts so much because I have given so much time, effort, pain and tears into trying to get him to see me as a friend before any and all feelings. I just want my friend. Yet, it’s just not working that way. I freaking sat with him as he talked to me about the girl he likes, watched as they interacted, saw his reactions to her and what he feels about her, I advised him about her. It took everything out of me to sit there and forget what I felt to encourage him to follow what he felt to be right, that if he liked her he should by all means see what could be. I freaking saw him drop everyone and everything to go talk to her and when I give him comendation I get a oh yeah thanks. I mean he tries with me, he makes effort sometimes, but I don’t know… I see the difference though, when he truly cares about something and or someone he jumps to any heights and I guess that’s what stabs me deeply and I hate to admit or rather accept. He doesn’t care about me! and never has! if he did, he wouldn’t treat me like this and he’d at least TRY. I once thought he did but now I know the truth, it’s so evident and either Ive been blind to it or I just wouldn’t see it but now that I do It just brings me to tears to know he simply — doesn’t — care and yet here I am wondering why? or what did I do? it’s just so freaking unfair.

I feel like Im not asking for much, I just simply asked to talk to the dude and yet I get plain out ignored and disrespected. To add insult to the injury the friend that is close to him, who I see as a brother and I love so very much is acting funky with me as well, which is why I know something isn’t right. I get the impression he feels like he is in the middle of something and like we are pulling him both ways and I don’t understand why. Maybe Im reading more into it then I should but I know something isn’t right and it just hurts so bad because I really care about this dude and to have him treat me like this isnt fair. Ive taken it enough throughout this year but this is like the last straw. It breaks my heart so much that it seems to have come to this. I just wish I had some understanding. I have no clue.

Im going to try again tomorrow, one last time. If to no avail then I give up. It makes me sad it would even have to be that way but I don’t have the time or energy to devote to someone who doesn’t care. I expected more from him, but I guess that is where I went wrong, never expect anything cause otherwise your going to be sitting here sad as hell while the freaking fool is in la la land… what a life.