Ive been so bad I know. I just have had little to no desire to be online let alone blog. I think I’m coming off the whole month of Nov blogging deal lol I might be drained of any good thought or idea when it comes to blogging. I really would like to blog about the whole top 100 songs of the 90’s that VH1 did but I’m too lazy right now, maybe soon enough.

I found it interesting I got no comments on the last blog lol hope I didnt freak anyone out, I just was expressing my thoughts and feelings. I can be pretty open sometimes, maybe extreme in my way of expression so of course what i say is genuine but of course I would hope people are not fearful to say something because of it as well. Anyway…

I’m going to be in a play this weekend. I’m a little nervous but I’m excited. I’ll have to tell ya’ll about it.

I broke out my Eminem cd’s last night and I realized something. I really miss him. There are very few artists that actually pull me away from singing their songs to actually make me stop and think. He is one of those that as much as I can “rap” along with his songs I also always end up forgetting about the rapping and focus on what exactly is being said. Now, I know a lot of people are of the mindset that he wasn’t lyrically profound, in the sense that he isn’t using words or even phrases that are “mind-blowing” and in all honesty they are probably right but there is something about the way that he expressed himself and in the passion that he had in executing those words that just makes me stop and actually listen. I really believe there is a deep message in all the “foolishness” of his music. I really think he tried to intertwine humour with the reality to make it easier to digest or at the least easier to understand or maybe he did that to actually get people to LISTEN. Radio friendly is how I see it, maybe so that it will be exposed to more, which in turn means more hear the actual message. I really believe he deserves a lot more credit then he was given. There is so much more depth to the things he said then maybe came across. I know it reaches me and I know I can sympathize, but then again I’m not a normal person lol.

I’m not sure what is wrong with me, really I’m not. On one hand I don’t care or even want to be around people, yet on the other hand it just breaks my heart if I think or even remotely feel that someone doesn’t like me, or want to be around me. I don’t understand. I’m clinging on to any one person that shows me care and concern. Yet, I can’t stand to be around people. I’ve found myself in tears after tears this last week. I just want to die, I really do. I feel so empty, so totally empty. I for once in my life, have NOTHING to work for, to live for, to want or need. I am just so freaking empty.

I’ve noticed, I’ve more then usual, found myself texting or trying to talk to anyone who will listen. I feel like I keep screaming on the top of my lungs to pay attention to me, to listen to me, to know that I’m hurting. Yet, I feel like no one hears me. I keep throwing myself to one person and he just isn’t obliging. I keep dropping hints to others but no one is getting it. I’m totally lost. TOTALLY. Life consists of me waking up, floating through my day, and going to bed. I really wish I’d go to sleep and not wake up. I wonder is people would care then? I wonder if I’d be missed for the qualities everyone says I have but either takes them for granted or doesn’t pay attention until they are needed for use. I wonder if people would wish they would have done something differently. I wonder if then I’d actually be considered worth something?

I know people care.. I mean, I think I do. I just don’t get it. I don’t. I mean people invite me places and ask me to do stuff but when I do it’s like nothing, I’m just another body there. Yet, if I chose not to do it, then they get mad at me and I’m like why?? You don’t pay attention to me anyway! Like why, what’s the deal? I just don’t know. I went to that party after all. I sat in the same place, the whole night, angry because I had to be there. I sat int he same place the whole night sad because I felt like I don’t fit in anymore. Sad because where I once was in the “middle” of it all. I now stand ALONE on the outside, wondering if I want to even come back in anymore. I don’t know if I want to fight for anything. I don’t know if I even want to make this my life path. I don’t know anything anymore.

I hurt.

I’m beginning to think I really am depressed. I feel like nothing in my life is worth much of anything, not because I don’t feel a measure of self worth, because to a point I know I mean something, even if only to GOD. But I just feel like everything in me is gone. I have no heart. I feel numb or just dark, for lack of a better way of explaining. I don’t know. I feel so sad. Just so sad.

I guess I want to be loved, like genuinely loved so badly that I’ve only just messed it all up. I want to feel worth something, seriously. I just want to matter. I’m not the one that’s pretty, I’m not the one that’s sweet, I’m not the one that’s kind, I’m not the one that’s intelligent, I’m not the one that’s classy, I’m not the one that’s fun, I’m not even the one that’s funny. I’m just me, just the one everyone says is a great listener - that’s it. I don’t measure up I guess. I’m just not worth it I guess. I’m just not important I guess - not even to myself.

I sit here so sad because yet again, I believe I don’t matter. I feel sad because I connect with no one. I hate myself because I wont even try. I always ruin it for myself by having to be angry or so freaking stubborn that I won’t break down my walls. I sit here so sad because I refuse to believe I need people, yet I sit here so sad because my heart craves love.

I just wish I’d go to sleep and not wake up.

Well, I think things are slowly getting back to normal, yet, one more holiday to go before we are back into a normal grind. I sort of don’t mind the holidays because it gives me a bit of a break in the usual day-to-day stuff but I always end up wishing it would be over quicker then it is because one, not only do I not partake, but two, I cant wait to get back to some idea of “normalcy!” I don’t know. Ive been “off” the last few days. Yesterday, I just had a mini break-down (I got sent hom from work because of it) and today I’m feeling a little better but not good enough. I’m supposed to go to a party tomorrow and I don’t want to. I should put my feelings aside and just go, because my friends are leaving for a period of time, yet I just don’t want to. I know that sounds selfish but I would much rather not go (not to mention I’m not looking foreword to an hour worth of driving to get this this party BLEHH) then to be there unhappy. See, I’m one of those people that can’t and will not fake how I feel. I can’t just “grin and bare it” if I’m not happy, you WILL know it, whether you like it or not. It seems as though every time I “try” I can always been seen right through, so I’d rather not go and just hide under my blankets in bed… that’s what I want, that’s all I’ve wanted the last week.

Quickly again, I know Ive been bad with blogging lately but truthfully, I haven’t really been home and when I do get home I’m too tired. So here just a few quick random thoughts:

- Thanks for the awards submissions and help, keep them coming.
- That for the site interaction, keep that coming as well.
- I didn’t get the job, no shock there. Oh well, life goes on.
- The car broke AGAIN! It’s apparently fixed now.
- I love mineral makeup
- I learned how to do a “smoky eye” (it’s rockin dude!)
- I got a new shirt to wear to a going away party next weekend.
- Know any good prepaid wireless plans?
- The Sharks suck right now lol!
- I feel like dancin’
- I swear I will comment back, when everyone is celebrating (except me)

The End.

“Hate That I Love You”
Rihanna ft. Ne-Yo

You know exactly what to do
So that I can’t stay mad at you
For too long, that’s wrong

But I hate it

You know exactly how to touch
So that I don’t wanna fuss and fight no more
So I despise that I adore you

CALUMNY

calumny \KAL-uhm-nee\, noun:
1. False accusation of a crime or offense, intended to injure another’s reputation.
2. Malicious misrepresentation; slander.

We all need to be careful in what we say, because calumny can seriously damage many people.

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….. I got to go to work, I’m already late lol. Well not really but I should be on the road already! I actually went to the interview that I missed. I got re-scheduled. It went OK nothing exciting, I suck at interviews to be honest. I was very just eh! So, that in itself probably killed any chance I had to get this job. I can at least say that I did it though. I’m totally happy about that. It’s a small victory in a bigger plan of life hahah. I mean I didn’t give up is my point and although I was HORRIBLE, I did my best. For that I can be satisfied.

I should hear from her by the end of the week. Well, by Sunday anyway LOL. We’ll see. Oh well. I’ll check craigs list for more jobs later today! Ok, Im off laterzz.

Everyday, as I go to work, the one thing I dread is having to take down all the wood chairs off the tables. It’s not an easy thing cause they are pretty solid and on some days, seem all the more heavy. Working at a restaurant provides me with an understanding about customer needs though. In watching my bosses work I’ve come to see how much of a role comfort really plays. I was surfing through Affordable Seating and seeing all the different choices of restaurant seating whether it was table seating or bar stools and even also table tops. Making sure your customers have the best dining experience is priority. It’s often rushed in any business within the hospitality industry so making sure you have everything you need and quickly is also important, not to mention awesome people to help you along the way. Anything that can make your job easier, is a total welcome. Ive been able to learn a lot in this job and it’s helped me see, that although it can be rough, dealing with the public isn’t always a piece of cake. It you have the right tools and provide your visitors with great service and good visuals they will always come back, and that in itself makes my job of having to go take all those chairs down (which I have to do in a few minutes lol) all the more worth it.

FINICAL

finical \FIN-ih-kuhl\, adjective:

Extremely or unduly particular in standards or taste; fastidious; finicky.

Often times, people who visit my job are very finical about their food, their drinks and everything in-between. Which, is understandable… sometimes LOL.