WORKOUT and WORK..

This is going to be quick cause Im not in a bloggy mood but I finally went to the gym today. I got my self working out. I hope to keep it going. I know if I see results it’ll become something worth doing. We shall see. I promptly ruined all that I did by coming home and eating pizza ha. That makes sense eh? Oh well.

I also got some not good news. I guess my grandma has cancer now I swear if it’s not one thing it’s another, and people wonder why I’m always close to the edge.

I really want to stop working for a little while to get myself “back” together. I’m a mess in every way right now. Emotionally, physically and everything in-between. I’m doing my best to just maintain sanity but. I do admit it’s becoming harder and harder. I have no desire to be at work or to even deal with it anymore. I missed all last week due to me feeling like crap with the panic attacks. I never heard back from them about it all. I left them a few messages. I’m sure they aren’t/weren’t happy. I guess we shall see tomorrow. I’m thinking I’m going to give them my 2 weeks notice tomorrow. I mean I hate to give up my job, but I know I’m not right and I need some time to get myself back together and straight. Ive totally fallen off spiritually and I feel so empty. That’s my life and that’s what keeps me going. Being able to teach and learn about the bible is what kept me right, through all the drama and now I don’t even have that. I’m lost, completely. See people fail to understand how much of my life it takes up. All the studying and time I have to put into it. It’s been my goal since day one to make that my REAL career and I’m not doing that and anyone who REALLY knows me, knows I’m not the person I was even just a few months ago and to me that’s scary. To not have a “relationship” with my GOD to me… is just down right scary!

I need to do something. I’m not sure if it’s the right thing though… sigh…

I’VE BEEN TAGGED.

I’ve been Tagged: by Ashhh.
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Random 5: Nina, London, Helen, Kristi, Britt

CHATTY

I finally got back into the swing of things and in with the “in crowd” lol I got the new ICQ!! Yay for me… OK, maybe not, but hey I like to keep on top of things. Anyway, I realized I don’t really have a means to having some of you contact me. I’d sure like to talk to ya’ll or anyone for that matter, I tend to bore easily so being able to talk is a good thing for me ha. Chatting was always something I found to be fun, nonetheless ya’ll can now reach me several different ways so lets see:

ICQ: 264-411-011
Yahoo: unofficiallyirish

So, write me something, PLEASE?! lol. I need some form of mental stimulation, OK I’m just bored and as per norm I can’t sleep.

On a different note. I’m not sure what I should do about my job. I need to think about how I’m going to handle that. I’ll focus and write about it later.. stay tuned.. ha.

NEW LOOK…

So I have a few updates. As you can see I made a new layout. I wanted something different and this is what I got lol, obviously it’s no where less colourful the the previous, but I guess creatively I’m in a full on colour mood. Anyway, hope you like it.

Also I have a few other updates:

1. I fixed the site forms (affies, contest, sotm etc..)
2. Deleted other hosted sites (my own)
3. Updated and added some new songs in my “radio” player
4. Added some new avs (to go along with the layout)
5. Added more people to the awards site (SLAWARDS)

I think that’s about it. I can’t think of anything else. We need some submissions for site of the month. If you want to be considered then please submit, if not then I’ll just pick a site at random. My bandthwith is still out of control and I have no idea why. I tried to talk to the people hosting my domain but I didn’t really get an answer as to WHY it’s so high. So, again just a word of warning if I disappear then you know why.

Heh totally random post yesterday. I’m thankful that some of you actually responded to it. It seems as though, when I post a blog that might be a little on the “different” side, people tend to shy away from commenting. So thank you to those who did. I just had to express what exactly I feel, in words, to try and help not only you but myself to understand the process of my panic attacks. It was a different type of post I know, but it was necessary. I cut my own hair tonight ha. When ever I feel the need for change I tend to do a Britney and go for the hair. I didn’t follow suit in the sense that I have NO hair but I must say it IS a lot shorter then it was… Oh well. It’s just hair. It will grow back ha-ha. Diet time for me. I need to go on a diet. Wooh, any of you on one now? have any advice to share? If not I shall begin the starvation today. Yeah, Yeah I’m not going to do that but I do need to start today and fail by tomorrow. YIPPEE! never said confidence is my strong suit.

End to the randomness.

INSIDE THE MIND…

It starts out all so very normal; actually it feels different, it’s almost perfect! as if it were a court appointed comfortable day in your pj’s, curled under a nice toasty blanket, good book and all. It feels as though everything is actually how it should be. All is well with the world. You actually feel hope. You actually, strangely enough, feel happiness! is that possible? It is, finally fully convinced you go about your day, with a little swagger, a little hop in your step. As the time goes by, what was begins to fade into what is. What is, has now become a tiny bit more fussed, more confused. You go on. You focus. You try to forget. You go about your business doing all you can to sink your fingers as deep as possible into what now seems as a minuscule feeling of joy you had earlier. You start to wonder what happened? you tell yourself it’ll be OK! doubt becomes your closest friend - a bed mate that you fight to rid yourself of.

You stop. You feel as if you can breathe again. Sigh.. You take stock of it all. The ideas flow through your mind far faster then you can even begin to try and understand. Sigh.. “oh well” you think. You begin to go back to that laundry list of things to do. Life continues. Before you know it, you’ve knocked out all you were supposed to do today. Sigh.. Wait.. You actually laugh. “TV is always the perfect remedy” you tell yourself. Man, you see the lives of the people making headlines. You don’t envy them. You realize how much better you have it. You actually start to see clearly again. “Wow, I can’t believe I had any doubt earlier, what’s my problem seesh!?” I got it good.

You stop. Something isn’t right. As you look around, everything seems the same. It’s all where it should be. Something isn’t right. Something just isn’t right. You take a deep breath, but rather then being refreshing - it’s laboured, it feels heavy. You think “OK.. don’t freak it’ll be alright.” You take a walk. You turn on your favourite TV show. You throw on the music. You might even try to knit. “Keep yourself busy; focus on something else” you tell yourself. “Stay calm. Relax” keeps running through your mind. As you try to make sense of it all, your mind begins the process of overdrive. You cry out for understanding, you work at clarity, you even PRAY to find any way to stop it!! Just stop it. “STOP, PLEASE STOP” you find yourself mumbling as confusion gives way to tears and further laboured breathing. Frustration kicks in. Control over your own mind and body no longer belong to you. Restlessness is now added to the party. The overwhelming need to walk around, move your hands, keep your self moving in any way possible is paramount. Your heart at this point is racing to the tune of a salsa song. bump-bump-bump-bump. Your mind is right there with it. It’s got everything imaginable going through it. “What’s wrong?” “Calm Down” “Relax, Relax, RELAX, R-E-L-A-X!!” “Breathe, breathe… breathe slowly - OK, 1-2-3″ “Am I going to die?” “why am I doing this?” “won’t it go away?” You are not quite sure how to react. Cry or scream? Hide or Run? You stand and with all you got you dig deep inside to catch your breath - you can’t.

You stop. The warmth from your tears and all that frustration make you feel a million times worse and at this point you feel like you have a fever. You start to even question if you might be having a heart attack or some other crazy ailment. Embarrassment lingers, looking for any way to give you the knock out blow. “What’s wrong with me?” you think “Am I crazy?” you ask? They try to understand and do all they can to give you words of encouragement. A hug, a comforting hand. A shared blanket on the couch. They try everything and anything they can think of to lessen your obvious pain and discomfort. It makes a difference, yet is not the remedy.

You just simply want to die.

You beg for an answer. You ask for understanding, for relief, for death, for ANYTHING. You are at the most venerable you, as an adult, can be. Over a period of minutes you have become that young child that wants for nothing more then her mom to hug her and tell her it’ll be OK. Your mind is tired. Your body is craving solace. You succumb to the fact that you can’t control anything and give up the fight. You rest yourself in any place that provides the feeling of envelopment. You slowly drown within your tears and the softest blanket in the house. The little things become mental notes.

That blanket - it “makes me feel OK”. “I feel OK.” “I’ll be OK.” “It’ll be OK, right?” “Just relax” they say. “Calm down. Maybe you should eat!” the thought makes you want to puke.. but you don’t have the energy to fight. You take something in - soup always calms the soul. Minutes go by, followed by hours. You find yourself laughing again. Snuggled up in that soft blanket with them makes it a little easier. Next thing you know, your up and about again. Step-by-step you find your way. “I feel good” you begin to think. “That was scary - but I’m good.” I’ll be fine. You laugh, you joke, you actually feel great. It’s almost perfect - It feels as though everything is actually how it should be. All is well with the world. You actually feel hope. You actually, strangely enough, feel happiness! is that possible?

For now all is perfect. But it is only 3:13 am….

PANIC ATTACKS

So I’m a LITTLE better only after I had a bit of a breakdown. It seems as if though I AM having another round of panic attacks. I was finally able to get about an hour of sleep around 3 then I woke up and made dinner. It was a little rough, I could feel it coming on but it wasn’t anything I didn’t think I could handle. I was OK, that was until I went to get my mom. Then it just hit me. I was panicky, shaking and sobbing all the way to her job. I almost killed myself a few times because of it *sigh*, I couldn’t drive properly, but I made it there and came home safely. Once I got home I had a bit of another round and after a while of my mom just trying to relax me I was finally able to chill for a little bit. I was actually able to finally eat something (I had not ate in all day; no desire to eat at all) and relax on the couch. I’ve been alright since but it comes and goes. I have my moments. I’m still a little figidity. I’m finding it hard to settle down, but I’m trying. I still haven’t slept though and I’m not really feeling sleepy, although I know I am tired. I can feel it. All-in-all, I think with a little time it’ll go away, but I still feel a little shaky. I’m still a little hesitant. I’ll guess we shall see what happens. Thanks for the kind words and concern, it really has helped. Trust me. THANK YOU.

IT’S REALLY ALL SO SAD… PT2

OK so I’m having major issues. I can’t seem to sleep and I’m on total edge. I’m actually shaky. I mean I haven’t been feeling 100% lately and I’ve felt on edge the last few days but today is something else. I don’t know if it’s lack of sleep or what. I just find myself really on edge. I’m not sure if to sleep or cry. I’m not going to work, I feel like if I do I’ll just crack. Heck, I wish I could quit. I feel like my problems and my lack of anything began with this job. I cant rest my mind, it’s just going and going and going and going. I don’t know what to do. I keep feeling like something bad is gonna happen. I just do. I feel like it will. I KNOW it. I just have this constant edgy feeling. I keep thinking things aren’t right. They aren’t. I have this overwhelming fear of being alone right now. I just wish someone would be here. I just need noise. I need sound. I need someone. I need something. I turn on the TV, but it wont let me sleep, but I need the noise. I’m happy it’s actually light outside now, I didn’t like being in the dark today. I dunno what’s wrong with me. I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack or have a major meltdown. I kinda wish I would, maybe it would alleviate my pressure. Just release it. I’ve been hyperventilating off and on for the last 2 days but I figured it’d go away, it has before, but not today. I’m shaky. I figured yesterday maybe I had low sugar, then I thought maybe it’s high sugar but no I’m still on edge today. Maybe even worse. I don’t know whats wrong. I just can’t sleep. Cannot sleep. Boo. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t have anymore sleeping pills so I cant like force myself to sleep. I’m so tense and tight, every move I make it; it hurts. I hate this. I can’t hang with this feeling, these emotions. I can’t take it. I dunno what’s wrong.

I need relief, I need it!!