….. if that makes any sense on an internet blog.

I HATE MY JOB!

The end.

[EDIT] So, everyone asked and here is just a very straight foreword updated. I eventually quit my job due to more drama. It didn’t end as I would liked it, maybe, but I knew I wasn’t going to be comfortable and I knew it would be a problem, so needless to say, I am unemployed again but Im sure I can find ways to keep myself busy. [/EDIT]

Look for me to blog more often I need to get back into the swing of things. Maybe if I focus on getting some other stuff done (e.g: new layout, SOTM, the awards site lol) I can get some inspiration. Ive been wanting to get some paid blogs done again as well. Need to pay a bill or two LOL anyway.. hopefully I’ll be around more now. Nonetheless, here’s todays’ rant.

I think I made a mistake.

See I’m excited about my new job, well no that’s a lie. Let me be truthful. I already hate my new job. I’m ashamed to say. I’m happy to have a job, and I’m excited about what the future will hold, but I already dread Monday’s arrival. And more then ever, in any other job, I am totally, totally, lacking any confidence in my abilities. I was only trained for 2 days. 2 DAYS? what is that? Now, I know sometimes you got to learn things on your own but to do this big of a job and only be trained 2 days, isn’t quite fair I think, but that is just me. Nonetheless, I’m expected to be and do EVERYTHING on my own come Monday! You’ve got to be kidding me. I seriously want to cry. I don’t feel I am up to par in any way, shape, or form for this job. I feel under-qualified. Not that it is a hard job, I believe once I get the hang of it, I’ll be perfectly OK. It’s just I have this constant nagging feeling within myself, Is it worth it? that is the question that keeps running through my mind.

I’m not so sure.

I guess the thing that bugs me the most is that really, I’m being thrown into something head-first. Expected to survive without a life jacket. Yeah, that’s life, I understand. I being the neurotic person that I am, taking my time to learn, and PERFECT the things I do, can’t help but feel like I’m being thrown into an all out war, and I HATE that feeling! I almost feel like I’m being thrown to the wolves and if I survive then great, if I don’t then I’m out of a job. I do not in any way feel “safe” or “comfortable” and that’s what is throwing me I think. I hate it. I’m seriously worried.

I saw the car I want today. I made the trip down to the dealership to see it. I swear, hands down, it’s the only thing making me excited about anything in life right now. It’s so beautiful. I want it even more, but is my 6 hour a day - 5 days a week struggle worth $16-20,000? maybe! it probably is. My mind seems to be set. I want it, and as time goes by I am SLOWLY convincing myself that I am willing to “suffer” a few years to have it, but I’m not FULLY of that mind frame, just yet. I mean maybe it wont be so hard if I can have time to settle in and get into a groove at this place, but somehow, all I keep thinking about is how I want to cry because I feel like I’m never going to get it, let alone fit in with that whole place. I’m really sad about it all. I had such high hopes and now I just feel totally blah.

There is so much to learn and so many coffee’s to remember. So many other details, my jobs are just so overwhelming. There are a million and one details that I need to do and remember, not to mention all the emotion of just getting a job and trying to do the best I can under the circumstances, etc.. etc.. I want to cry.

6am is killing me with only one car!!! when I need to be up at 3am to take my mom to her own job, specially on those nights when I can’t fall asleep till after 11pm. I just want to die. That is why the idea of a new car is the ONLY thing making me think this job is worth it, and to me that is sad. It’s heartbreaking. I almost feel materialistic. It sucks.

Le sigh.. I know it doesn’t have to be so hard, but I tend to dwell. It’s going to be what kills me one day, I truly believe that. I just don’t want to be lame, and give up so quickly. I want to give it a shot, It’s such a privilege to work for such a cool company, (I’m sure most of you have heard of it ) but I don’t know if it’s worth it. I really don’t. I guess time will tell. I just don’t want dreams of mine to fade because of my inability to suck it up. Ugh, I’m such a pansy.

…. OK, I suck hard core. I have no desire to blog. None at all. I just don’t seem to find inspiration or anything worth wile to speak about. A lot has gone on and Ive had my usual guy and life drama but Ive really felt it not worthy to speak about. I don’t know. I think I’m just in a funk. I’m going to do my best to change that and hopefully soon but as for now, it’s just very stagnant.

On an up note. I got a new job. I’m actually excited. Ill be making coffee, no not Starbucks style but in the same light for a very cool company. I’ll have to tell you more soon, keep the suspense. I start this week and well it’ll be some booty early hours but if all goes well and I do good I’ll be making decent enough money to start to save for a car (I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want my own car. I just want to cry when I think about the possibility of having my own just the thought pumps me up) and actually get health benefits, which is of most importance to me. I’m a tad excited, yet a little intimidated. I’m not sure how to react to all these “techy” people I’ll be serving. I almost feel peasant like, lol Im a nobody. I’m sure it’ll be OK once I get the hang of it, but I do expect a few bumps in the early stages. I’m actually kind of scared lol! Oh boy.

I’m very sorry. I have been a really bad webby. I just haven’t had much to blog about or say, to be honest. Ive just been busy with my ministry work and sleeping lol. I’m out pretty much all day then am so tired I just go to bed. Boring I know, but that’s about it.

Has anyone been watching American Idol? I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE David Archuleta! I’m obsessed with the kid lol he’s awesome. I have to say, I was never big on Idol, I always thought it sucked, but because of him Ive kept watching and I hope, truly hope some stupidity doesn’t stand in the way of giving him the title of AI, which he deserves. What do ya’ll think? Check him on Youtube.com if you haven’t yet seen him. He really is AMAZING, (check out his version of IMAGINE, done last week 2/26/08). David Cook did an awesome job with “HELLO”, that was a really great version of an already cool song. So, all in all tonight was pretty cool!

It’s been so beautiful here that I was able to get this outdoor mall the other day. It was so nice, quite beautiful. I got to hear some live music as well. It was wonderful. Speaking of, do any of you play an instrument? if so what kind? You all have heard me talk about my love for Guitar, I’m sure, hopefully one day I can learn but I must say it’s a lot harder then it seems.

So, that was a boring post, I know. I’m sorry. I just have nothing to share lol. Maybe I’ll be able to think of something of more substance soon. Thanks for visiting nontheless